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Luhan dreams

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OK, this is the first ~real~ EXO dream that I can remember vividly, and it was NOT a good one lol!!

So last night I had this dream where me and someone in EC fandom (aka not someone I know irl) were BFFs and for some reason we were in some of camp group, but not really "camp" per se, more like those "lock ins" that church groups do as a fun thing for group members?? But we weren't part of a church group at all. Just some unnamed extracurricular activity group lol. That Luhan was also a part of. Anyway, so we were grocery shopping and everyone was spread out and me and BFF were grocery shopping together and pushing our cart. And while doing so, BFF was bitching about Luhan about how he was such a player and although she found him really really attractive, she would never date him because he would break her heart and she already had a really bad experience with her past boyfriend which had totally destroyed her trust in all men. And so I was agreeing with her. Dream me was also really attracted to Luhan, but I hated him at the same time because I never would have a chance with him and it was just easier hating him than pining away + he really was a player type lol.

ANYWAY, somehow in my dream our group's "lock in" was in the grocery store and there was magically a queen sized bed in one of the aisles. So me and BFF we cuddling in bed together and being giggly and really QT, and THEN LUHAN APPEARS. And then he lies down at the head of our bed, and INTERRUPTS OUR QT BONDING TIME by talking to BFF and telling her how beautiful she is and how much he likes her etc, etc. Then BFF, to my surprise, suddenly falls madly in love with Luhan and starts talking to him (I can't remember about what), and I just remember getting REALLY REALLY JEALOUS because Luhan was STEALING MY BFF. I was seriously SO SO SO ANGRY. And as they were staring lovingly into each others eyes, I was trying to use my hands to block their vision of each other (LMAO), but they were totally ignoring me, so I left. And then they had sex on said bed, but I didn't see any of that, I just knew somehow. So then I just walk over to the alcohol aisle and then somehow the grocery store turns into the front porch of my parents' house and I start calling some of my IRL friends complaining about Luhan and how my BFF abandoned me etc.

And then I woke up with my heart pounding because I was seriously SO ANGRY at Luhan. SO SO SO SO SO ANGRY LOL!! I don't know if I was just a possessive friend or also romantic feels for BFF, but I was definitely not jealous that she got Luhan. Anyway, I tried to stay awake for 5 minutes so I wouldn't fall back into the same dream, it was THAT traumatic for me haha. Luckily I fell asleep dreaming about something else, but today I was so out of it because of that dream. UGH

So the outcomes of said dream are:
1. I actually can't really look at pics of Luhan right now because I just think of dream!Luhan and get really angry hahahaha. Maybe Yixing gods have noticed me talking about Luhan too much lol!
2. I feel like I can't trust EC buddy because dream!EC friend abandoned me like that, which is totally unreasonable, but the dream was /that/ vivid for me.
3. I think I've been reading too much horoscope lately, especially this Venus in Scorpio stuff. But maybe I'm subconsciously a really possessive and jealous person :(.



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1. Kris's decision to leave

Maybe it's my fan feelings toward him that sway my opinion (so these are just my thoughts and not necessarily meant to be taken as fact/truth), but I do believe that Kris left not for his own ambition, but because of conflicts with SM's management. If he had wanted to be a successful solo Chinese celebrity, I would have thought that he would have waited until after he had at least scored a solo acting gig and established a bigger presence in China first before breaking away. I think chances would have been pretty good that SM would have arranged an acting opportunity like they did with Luhan. Kris, Luhan and Kai were the only ones who got real acting roles in Wolf drama MV, so I don't think Kris's previous absence would have affected his chances. But maybe all the stars aligned just right and a Chinese company or companies offered him a lucrative deal. Only time will tell. But in general, with the exception of Hangeng, I don't feel most of the idols who have broken away from SM have ever achieved the amount of success (i.e. JYJ, JTL/HOT, FTTS) they would have if they had stayed with SM.

2. Kris's selfishness and hurting the other members

Yes, I think the timing is terrible and although there is no 'good' time to leave, it would have been easier on the other members to leave after Overdose promotions were over. Yes, I think that what he did was in his own interest. But I choose to believe that his timing was not done to hurt EXO members, but to send a message to SM. I choose to believe that he thought about this for many months and understood that his actions would inevitably alienate him from the rest of the members, but that he was so unhappy and fed up to the point that he would be willing to give those relationships up. To give up years of training, years of being away from family and friends, years being in a foreign country where you can't speak the language, and career 'success' says to me that Kris felt he was in a situation where he felt trapped and could not endure or be happy in no matter what the sacrifice. I choose to believe that this was not an easy decision for him and if he could, he would have done it in a way to spare his fellow members from this pain.

But I don't know him, I will never know him, and so these are all speculations on my part.

But beyond speculation, at some point you have to live for yourself. Life is too short to waste in situations where you will never be happy. A job is a job. For the vast majority of people, their job isn't their life or what defines them. In the end, only you will be looking back on your life thinking, "Was my life worth living?"*. Not your family, not your friends, not your colleagues, not your boss, not your fans. Being an idol requires a lot of sacrifice and hard work. You're rarely allowed to see your family. You work long hours. You have very little control over your own career. You will always be in the lower ranks in the company hierarchy because you are ultimately a product they are trying to sell. It is very difficult to date. You can't start your own family. At a certain point in time, you will have outlived your popularity and usefulness. Your fans will leave and move on with their own lives. For some people, the fame and fortune may not be worth it. I hope it's worth it for the remainder of the EXO members. I'm happy for Kris if he came to the realization that there are certain things in life that are more important than others to him. I want Kris to be able to look back on his life with satisfaction. I want the other 11 members to look back on their lives with satisfaction.

As far as why he didn't talk to his fellow members beforehand, I feel like I can't give an opinion on it. Maybe he felt isolated and alone in feeling he was the only one who didn't want to part of SM anymore. Maybe he didn't regard any of the members as good enough friends to consult with. I don't think he was wrong for not telling his fellow members, but I don't think he was right either. There are just too many unknown variables for me to judge him on his actions. Career-wise, though, I think EXO will do fine. DBSK and 2PM didn't suffer too much after their respective scandals. However, I don't think they will split up as EXO-M and EXO-K anymore, though, due to the imbalance. Likely it will just become OT11 and mostly Korean promotions like Wolf/Growl.

3. The argument that international fans "don't understand Korean culture" when they are criticizing SM

SM is the only company out of the other big Korean idol companies where idols have sued the company for unfair treatment and poor working conditions in the past few years, and many have left the company in the past without renewing their contracts when they were still very popular and could have continued to be popular under SM. I'm not saying that other idol companies are without their faults, but to say that those criticizing SM for treatment of their employees is 'not understanding Korean culture' doesn't make any sense when this issue with multiple lawsuits are pretty much only endemic to SM vs YG/JYP/Cube. There is something about how that company is structured and how it treats its employees that is toxic and harmful, whether it be physically or mentally or financially, to the point that people are willing to throw away years of hard training and being part of the most powerful and successful idol company in Korea. In comparison, I have not heard of a member that has willingly left in the middle of a contract against company wishes (at the height of popularity, no less) from any of the other 3 companies.

4. My personal feelings throughout this event

Honestly, I have not been particularly emotional throughout this entire process. But in general, although I spend a lot of time and energy fangirling, I don't get very emotionally attached. For example, when Yixing was injured/sick, yes I hoped he would get better. But I never dwelt on it or felt particularly distraught over events like this. I just can't relate to them; their world is too different from for me to really empathize with them beyond a superficial level. I'll get teary-eyed for my patients and their families. But I try not to let my fangirling life overlap with my personal life because I am not comfortable with that.

However, whenever I see Kris, I do feel little....wince of nostalgia? Not true sadness. But something like the feeling you get when you see someone you knew from years and years ago. You were childhood best friends, sharing everything, and then over the years, your relationship drifted apart over time, life and distance. And then you run into them at a reunion or party and think to yourself, " played such a big role in a good portion of my life." You miss them, but things have changed. You've changed. He/She's changed. And you walk away without initiating conversation because you want to preserve those good memories the two of you had.

I honestly can't say whether or not I will stay interested in EXO. It's not that I don't want to be; I still want to like EXO, I still want to like Yixing. But from my experience being a NEWS fangirl in the past, I have generally quickly lost interest in that group despite wanting to return to fandom and never having had any negative feelings. Perhaps it's because the illusion of idoldom once dispelled, can never be brought back, or perhaps because I feel the member dynamics will never be the same. I've always been pretty fickle with my interests, so the fact that I have been here since History is a very long time for me already!

5. Good-bye, Kris

I selfishly want to continue to support you in the entertainment industry as the successful and bright 'Wu YiFan' even if you are no longer 'Kris from EXO', but whatever path you choose, I hope you're happy, healthy, and loved.

I'll miss your amazing anime-god-like features.

I'll miss making fun of your rapping.

I'll miss your dumb jokes

I'll miss your adorable awkwardness

I'll miss your greasiness

I'll miss your smile

I'll also miss my delusions of swinging off your dick like Tarzan <3

* Erikson's stages of psychosocial development for all you nerds out there


Olympics NBC broadcast schedule

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Fri. Feb. 14 8-11:30 Olympics (Mens Long) NBC
Sat. Feb. 15 1:05a-4:30a Repeat of: Olympics (Mens Long) NBC

Sun. Feb. 16 10a-2p LIVE Olympics (Short Dance) NBCSN
Sun. Feb. 16 7-11pm Olympics (Short Dance) NBC

Mon. Feb. 17 8-11:30 Olympics (Free Dance) NBC

Wed. Feb. 19 8-11:30 Olympics (Ladies Short) NBC

Thurs Feb. 20 8-11:30 Olympics (Ladies Long) NBC

Just so I know what is when


2 weeks left

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Breathe in, breathe out




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Chen Chen Chen

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EXO's Chen's message to all female fans
Chen: Actually, I wish that girls nowadays would have more confidence in themselves. A lot of magazines and models now are used to get girls to want to look perfect. But really, I think especially all our fans are beautiful no matter what. Girls should feel more happy about themselves. No one is perfect. It’s all about what your personality and heart is like. I’m not one the looks for appearance right away. I want to say a message to our female fans: You are beautiful and don’t let anyone tell you that you are not. And a message saying that I love my beautiful mom wherever she is now. Mom – are you listening? /smiles and laughs a little/
cr: rlab-exo@tumblr